Here are some one liners...
Here Comes the Campbell Duck -- Mrs. Campbell was trying to produce a good meat duck and bred a massive egg layer instead.
Theodore Rex is Loose in the Paddock! -- The President is dead, and Theodore Roosevelt is exactly the worst possible person to take the reigns right now.
The Righteous Fists of Heaven Go Down Hard -- The Empress wants the head of the Boxer rebels, so she can get the Eight-Nation Alliance off her back.
In Other News -- Marconi radio, U.S. Steel, Dr. Alzheimer, and the electric vacuum cleaner.
Here Comes the Campbell DuckAll Mrs. Campbell wanted was a good meat bird to feed her family. Ducks seemed like a good choice, so she crossed a Fawn-and-White Indian Runner with a Rouen. That did the trick. (This is like crossing a long distance runner with a ball player from Ole Miss. What you get is a short Michael Oher that can lay 300 eggs a year.) At this time, a duck's color is important, so she breeds her new Campbell duck with a Pencil Runner to give it a buff color similar to the uniform of a British soldier. (This sounds like a load of hooey. Say nothing. Let's move on.) She names it The Khaki Campbell. Egg production is high, but they are not good brooders. (That means they don't like sitting around keeping their eggs warm, but if all you want are eggs for breakfast, you are solid.) Adel Campbell introduces her new breed to the English public this year. They won't come to the United States for another 20 years. Their popularity will soar in the 1970s along with a back-to-the-farm craze. They will become popular with the Asian community as well.    
Theodore Rex is Loose in the Paddock!President McKinley has won a second term, but the Wall Street manipulators are crushing the hopes of the little guy! (Uh... yeah. The Panic of 1901 is in full swing, but the solution of the nihilist/anarchists is crazy!) McKinley's secretary has expressed his worry that the recent rash of assassinations in Europe might come to America, but the President refuses to change his schedule. (After all, if we change what we are doing, the terrorists win. Right?... Wait... What?) McKinley delivers his speech as scheduled, and steps down to greet the crowd. A second-generation Polish-American shoots him in the abdomen with a .32 Iver Johnson revolver, the gun "safe enough for a baby to handle," as the advertising goes. The doctors cannot find the bullet and since no antibiotics exist, the President succumbs to infection. Theodore Roosevelt is President of the United States and a Republican. He is an exciting guy. People love his energy, but he is the guy who said that he will "speak softly, but carry a big stick". Wherever will he lead us?  
- "Roosevelt's all right, but he's got no more use for the Constitution than a tomcat has for a marriage license."
- --Joseph G. Cannon, Republican and Speaker of the House. 
The Righteous Fists of Heaven Go Down HardThe Chinese Boxer Rebellion is complicated, so let me say this.... if you ever have a sudden urge to fight for God and expect the Multitudes of Heaven to lend their swords to your righteous cause .... have a beer and re-think that one for a while. It is called the Boxer Rebellion by the English because it is led by young martial artists that the English call "Boxers". Their exact name translates as "The Righteous and Harmonious Fists". They are pretty good fighters, but invincible they are not. They are sick of the China's modernization, the Christian missionaries, and with the recent drought, they are flocking to the cities for food. On the other hand, the Boxer's solution to China's growing pains is to chop the Christians into bok choy. The reaction of the Christian nations is naturally... severe. The Eight-Nation Alliance is leaning hard on the Empress. The Alliance has taken Beijing, and while their ultimate success is far from guaranteed, the Empress is not an idiot. By decree of the Empress, the life of anyone associated with the Boxers is now forfeit. Heads will roll... quite literally. The Boxers are going down hard, but the consequences of this rebellion will be playing out for years to come.   
In Other News
- Marconi receives a radio signal from across the Atlantic. Trans-Atlantic wireless is here! 
- Dr. Alzheimer diagnoses a strange dementia in a patient. Yes. It is Alzheimer's Disease. 
- The electric vacuum cleaner is patented. All vacuum cleaners will be based on this design.